On Iced Coffee

At the moment the whole of the United Kingdom is experiencing temperatures higher than the Mediterranean and we are being treated to the experience of the Brit in hot weather. Tattooed hairy bellies, exposed feet whose owners are guilty of crimes against podology, braless breasts and more bright red skin than is normally seen outside Lobsterfest in Maine.
In our race to cool down we drink more alcohol than our usual hideously high levels and fall asleep, often in the sun, only to wake up with our shells even redder and begin the cycle again.

Starbucks, that great emporium of taste and standards, realised that it needed to keep its customers spending money on their pseudo coffee products and has fulfilled its public duty to load us up with cream and sugar rather than evil alcohol by creating the wonder that is a Frapuccino. I am not actually sure what is in said drink as that aesthetic belongs to the bygone era of the Knickerbocker Glory which, by law, is only to be enjoyed by anyone over the age of 35 annually in a 50s style Italian cafe like the Ritz in Millport. I’ve already had my quota this year.
Fortunately other cold caffeine drinks are available as more and more coffee shops offer iced lattes, some of them, like Taylor St Baristas in London using really good quality coffee.
For the lovers of black coffee though there is an alternative to setting your parched throat on fire with a dash of espresso as it is very simple to order a cafe amb gel The first rule is do not order an iced coffee or even an iced espresso in the UK unless you wish to entertain yourself for the next 10 minutes trying to explain what you want. Order an espresso and a glass of ice. When you are given a glass of iced water return it with a smile and remake your request.

A. Glass. Of. Ice. Please.

When you finally receive your glass of ice take half the ice out and if it’s really hot put a piece down your cleavage when no one is looking. If you take sugar stir it into the coffee while it is still hot and then simply pour it all from the espresso cup into the glass of ice and stir. The coffee will go cold in less than a minute and with the melting ice make the perfectly refreshing drink.
If you are luckily enough to be in Catalonia then simply order a cafe amb gel and wait to enjoy. In Barcelona this may not work so well as bar staff tend not to be Catalans but Latin American or Maghrebi immigrants who only really understand Spanish (Castilian before you all complain in the comments section). In this case order a cafe con hielo (pronounced the same as yellow). I have been told that in Valencia you have to ask for a cafe del temps and that it may come with a slice of lemon.

It is a very good drink, albeit not always easy to order.

On Alioli

Islam has five pillars that form the basis of the religion Shadah, Salat, Zakat, Swan and Haj. Catalans have four pillars that form the basis of their food; alioli, samfaina, picada and sofregit.
Alioli is a sauce that seems to be older than the hills itself. There are rumours of it origins being in Ancient Egypt and it is strikingly similar to Lebanese Toum. It is simply all (garlic ) and oli (oil) with some salt added.
Using a large mortar and pestle you crush the cloves of garlic until they are a fine paste, add a couple of pinches of salt and then start stirring with the pestle while adding the oil in a slow dribble. The oil should emulsify with the garlic and salt and create mayonnaise like consistency.
This, dear reader, almost never happens.
The reality of the situation is that 99 times out of 100 you end up with a curdled bowl of mashed garlic, oil and salt. You can blame the day (too humid/not humid enough), the fact that you were stirring too fast or too slow, you had the wrong spoon, Barca lost the semi-final and you are too sad to stir, or that it can only been done properly using your Pyrenean Mountain Grandmother’s mortar and pestle. It is fiendishly difficult.
I have been reliably informed by someone who cannot cook at all that it’s all in the action of the wrist. There is an optimum stirring speed that helps to emulsify the mixture. No one, however, can tell me what that speed is.
I have seen alioli successfully made like this twice; once in Barcelona by a friend who poured miniscule amounts of oil stirring very slowly and steadily and once at the trial Catalan cooking class by Bea’s sous chef Mark who poured the oil in steadily while stirring furiously accompanied by my shrieks of ,”Oh my God it’s actually working!”
Most of time alioli is made with an egg yolk as a garlic mayonaise. You crush a couple of cloves of garlic in a dry mortar and pestle, add a pinch of salt, an egg yolk and then stir the oil adding it in a slow and steady stream. If it curdles then pour the mixture into a bowl, wash the mortar and pestle and, after drying it very thoroughly, add an egg yolk and slowly dribble in the oil while stirring. Mix in the curdled egg and oil slowly once the second one starts to emulsify.
A still easier way to do this is to use either a balloon whisk or a blender using the same process as above. The real cheat’s way is to take a jar of mayonnaise and stir in some crushed garlic and a couple of strands of saffron, but I am sure you would never dream of doing such a thing.
Catalans use alioli as an all season sauce for any kind of savoury. It accompanies patatas bravas, grilled meat or vegetables, you can use it when making any kind of rice dish, put it on top of fish and grill the top until it forms a crust or in fideua either as an accompaniment or flamed grilled.
As a British person using alioli it is advisable to remember that everyone in the whole of Catalonia almost always reeks of garlic so even a visitor very quickly becomes immune to the smell. The same cannot be said of the UK and while you can spend the entire next day alternating between eating bunches of parsley and Fisherman’s Friends your garlic breath won’t go away entirely. If you have an interview the next day either for a new job or a potential Mr/Miss Right Now it would be advised to go easy on the all. The exception to this would be if the interviewer is Catalan in which case they will wonder why you remind them of home so much.

Squid stuffed with aubergine and prawns

This recipe comes from the old Head Chef of the Barcelona Restuarant Gargantua i Pantagruel, Victor Ruiz. I went there once when dinosaurs were still wandering about so I cannot tell you what it’s like now or indeed, even if it is open. If it is, you visit and there is an old man wearing a cummerbund opening the door he may actually be a ghost. Please don’t tell him this as he will get the fright of his death.
One of the chefs from Gargantua i Pantagruel once cooked dinner at my house for an all female dinner. She brought some extremely tasteful penis shaped pasta and ‘borrowed’ a phenomenal amount of very expensive wild mushrooms from the restaurant kitchen for the evening. The quality of the mushrooms at dinner was far superior to the quality of the penis. It was probably one of the few occassions that a group of women felt this way with such cheer and relief.

Ingredients:
4 cleaned squid
200g raw prawns
2 aubergines
3 chopped spring onions
1 dessert spoon of chopped parsley
Salt
2 teaspoons of pine nuts
Method: Preheat oven to 200 degrees, rub some oil into the aubergines and then place them in the oven for 20 -25 mins until they are very soft when you stab them with a knife. Take out of the oven, peel and mash to a pulp.
Peel the prawns if they are shell on and chop the squid tentacles. Heat a frying pan with a little oil and add the prawns and chopped tentacles. Stir for a couple of minutes and remove with a slotted spoon when the prawns are pink. Set aside.
Add the spring onions to the pan and then the parsley and pine nuts a couple of minutes later. Keep stirring or shaking the pan to avoid the pine nuts burning and once they are a dark golden colour add the pureed aubergine. Chop the prawns that you previously cooked and once the aubergine mix is hot add the chopped prawns and the squid tentacles. Salt to taste.

Take the pan away from the heat and stuff the squid with the mixture using a spoon. Once stuffed, close the squid over with a couple of cocktail sticks to prevent the mixture from spilling out. Put a clean frying pan on a really high heat and add enough oil to cover the bottom of the pan. Once the oil is so hot it is almost smoking add the squid (two at a time unless it is a really big pan) and fry for 1 minute on each side. Try not to do more than 1m 30s or your squid will be like rubber.
Slice in half on a plate and serve with some squeezed lemon or a simple vinaigrette.
Thanks to Mathilde for organising the evening that this dish was cooked at. Thanks to James for cooking most of it and deveining the prawns (it’s true, people do this) and thanks to